I have to repeatedly say this all over again, but, I’m really sorry for the causes of my mental state, my anxiety that’s been lingering in me in a series of ups and downs, my stressful impulses. For these and other reasons which I have explained before, I couldn’t travel to Europe this summer for more places I can find what’s best for any concept of my series and a differentiation of culture. So the only choice I have left in me is to go to Canada this August, which I have already planned. I’m hoping it will happen before classes start at the end of August. I haven’t had a summer vacation since last semester, not even a solo venture to a different country. And it boggles my mind instantly on how much people spend so much on traveling, regardless of where they are at. Vacations are good for me, unless if it all depends on going with a family of mine. It’s not easy to get out jealousy, pain, melancholy and the deteriorating mental health which is taking a toll on me, from college, social media to not getting something I want in reward. It sort of feels a saying that’s spread like the word: “You work yourself to death.” Or “You keep working until you die.” I don’t want to end up in bad karma, especially to those who are around me, no matter what side anyone picks on. Have I been going insane inside? Is there a war inside of my head? These intrusive thoughts have been lingering in me, displaying signs of hostility, menace, hatred and impatience, which I all of a sudden thought that this could lead to end of friendships, and eventually, getting cancelled and reported. This will show that I have the true colors to be discovered. Again, I ask myself, will I go to heaven? Or will I end up in an endless void of everything mundane, lacking quality and delights thereof, which to me, makes me feel ashamed to the point I wasn’t raised here? It seems to me, all these things are just vast modern dystopian nothingness, but later realizing I’m not the only one who sees or imagines this. I try so hard to gain attention, but the thing is, I’m not alone here. I try to overcome and hide the dark side of me, but it any case it is killing me inside. Even being too pushy and manipulative can kill me even more inside. Even if people are busy, which it may be hard for me to realize and just get over with to avoid hot water.
What put me this way is my impatience, which leads to arguments and fights, and of course, getting looked down upon. It’s as if I’m running out of time, from what’s kicking me around. There was one time where I intentionally blew up out of impatience, but I apologized. People treat me differently, but mistakes lead to an impending doom in life, that’s what gives me the least of my concerns. I realize what bad it can do, and it won’t get me any further. I had to watch myself from causing harm, but all these thoughts inside are telling me to do the wrong things, which I don’t want to do.Â
“Alex, you really should seek professional help.”
Or:Â
“But Ender, I think you should seek a therapist to help you.”
To answer your statements (which I try to make up from remembering what I saw in the past few weeks), I’m not sure if I would get professional help, like therapy, unless if there is one I can find on campus. When I told my stepdad that I should seek therapy to get rid of the negativity inside of me, he told me that therapy is useless, and he said that cycling, swimming and working out are my therapists. Yes, I do them, and these help get rid of the pain for a while, but eventually, they come back to me. I don’t know what I would say at this point, but decisive, descriptive thoughts do always come back to me, especially in times of need or sometimes urgency. And that leads to being a manipulative jerk, which I said before on the previous paragraphs, and like I said, it can kill my potential worth. And I know that being popular is not my thing. When you get popular, on one hand you get the fans, but on the other hand, you get haters who try to mess your life up. I should clearly move on and do my own things without getting looked down upon, if building my worth is the key to success. It doesn’t come on a silver platter in a few seconds, it just takes time. And that’s what I need to keep learning in order to be a good man.
I didn’t have time to work on a new Kaleo Fox graphic novel as well, due to not only my panic attacks, but due to job searching, which these things didn’t work out, but eventually in a miracle. Eventually I landed in a remote job, so I’m basically kind of in good hands for now. There’s another thing regarding an internship, and it’s an agency. I thought that I didn’t have time to do this, now with my last fall term in demand at honors university, but I had to sign under checks too. I wanted to study for a masters degree after graduation, but with the other internship to be questioned about, who knows? My mother of course responds, “We’re not at the last minute of jotting this down”. So it means we still have time to decide? If so, I hope this will lower down my stress levels, when it all comes to punching the only choice that’s up to me. At first I wanted to start a Kaleo Fox graphic novel, but in turn either things don’t work out for me due to other priorities that keep me busy. The reason I want to start a full scale comic with a story that builds up ground, is because I don’t want to just plod away on webcomics (you know, like Sunday comic strips, digital and traditional as you’ve seen in newspapers or on the web) I made a new Kaleo Fox Discord server for anyone who is interested in tuning in, and for anyone who can help me make ideas for the series even better. Because so far, I feel that my new series are not working out. It just feels…like nothing. It’s as if filler comes down with a creative demon trying to impale my mind. And it all goes with other things, as I mentioned before. So, apologies for not getting back to which I have promised, but either it may wait under delay, or maybe find time to work on a couple pages. I’m not sure if I could show the first full pages, it is going to be a long one and I may either show full the finished parts or show Work In Progress shots of the graphic novel that I’ve been thinking about.Â
And once again, I owe you all a sincere apology. It’s all due to my mental health declining from stress, anxiety, despair, depression and getting pushed to do things by verbal force. I hope each of you can forgive me for all these bad causes which I am trying to hide, including manipulation, recklessness, name calling (which I don’t do in public) and bad karma. I might take a break from social media if I plan to go on vacation to Canada for a few days, if it all works out. It might be my first baby steps for me to go on an air flight there and back, since I never flew to a different country overseas alone before, but who knows? I may figure it out if I learn how it all works.
That said, thank you for reading this confession. I know this is a very long blog post, but I just needed to make a confession about me and what went wrong. I wanted to make this clear, and I hope you all understand what I am making out of it.
See ya guys. I hope you can forgive me for all of these things which don’t make me grow as a unique person.
~ TheEnderToonist 2024
